Have you ever had one of those moments? You know the ones where it seems like everything is coming together, the planets have aligned, yin and yang and all that stuff and here is a chance like you have never had and may never have again? (For the record, I use this metaphorically, not as an endorsement for astrology). You’re there, opportunity is there and if this were a movie, things might even be rolling in slow motion with an awesome music track to emphasize the moment. You see your chance, you can’t even believe it, you step forward to grab destiny/opportunity/fill in your own word and you….choke. It was the opportunity to speak to someone, but you froze and they passed by. It was a chance to help and you hesitated a moment to long and someone else stepped in. It was moment that you were in your prime in front of all the right people and splat, you crashed and burned. Can anyone else relate with this sad state of events?
I’ll be the first to raise my hand. It happened all too recently. I won’t bore you with the details, but needless to say, it was one of those “This has the potential to be life changing moments” and I choked. Fear jumped in and I stood frozen as opportunity knocked, waited at a quiet door and turned away when it wasn’t answered. Not to mention a friend of mine was able to embrace the moment, as I was busy doing something little and in the scheme of things, pointless, trying to psych myself up for it. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for her, but even more annoyed at myself.
The natural chain of thoughts flew past and I was contemplating my shortcoming, kicking myself for it, re-living the failure and to be honest, wanting nothing more than to cry about it. Fortunately, I was attempting to stay strong and trusting and did not give into the cries of the flesh, looking for outlet. If I had, I may have actually missed the greatest opportunity of the night.
Driving home, as I said, I was ripping myself a new one, chastising the fear, lamenting the missed opportunity. Then, as always, right on cue, enter Holy Spirit.
“Didn’t you say you trusted me?” He gently called to my memory the prayer I had prayed during the pre-mentioned psych myself up moment, which ended with ‘come what may, I trust you in this and with it’.
“I do trust you, but I screwed up. I didn’t take the opportunity because of fear. I messed up your plan.”
“Hummmm,” the Holy Spirit really likes to build climactic tension with me when he is about to drop something. “So, you’re saying you trust yourself more than me?”
“No, I’m not say…”
“And actually, you are saying you trust in your shortcomings over my grace.”
“No, that’s not what I me…” realization hit as he concludes with
“Really, because that is what you are saying when you assume you choking can remove you from the plans and purposes of God.”
It was a heavy blow, but it rang so true. I was elevating my mistake and thinking that it had derailed me, thus making my mistake more powerful than God’s grace. I gotta say, it shed a much different light on the situation and actually illuminated fail safes that were in place and ways that it was not hopeless, not in the least.
Sure, my fear may have kept me from momentary satisfaction/an opportunity I perceived as the one I should take, but it did not negate God’s grace and plan in the situation. His grace is sufficient and it’s funny, because he even promised that in my weakness, he is stronger. He sees the end from the beginning and see’s the workings behind the curtain of this stage.
So, rather than going all moody and listening to “I will remember you” by Sarah McLaughlin as I try to weep not for the memory of the life I felt I allowed to pass by, I am encouraged and excited because I know he’s not done with me yet.
Can anyone relate? Have there been times you have elevated your shortcoming over God’s grace? How did it turn out?
PS-Sorry, maybe I will remember you wasn’t the best song choice, but the chores was stuck in my head